Friday, November 16, 2012


I've always been a sucker for high cheekbones, and no one has them like Native Americans (or people with a shared heritage) and the Scandinavians. Hence, my heart was all aflutter in 1980s when a-ha's Morton Harket (from Norway) was topping the charts, Viggo Mortenensen (father from Denmark) was lighting up indie films, and Sylvester Stallone picked a handsome Swede to play a Soviet boxing machine in Rocky IV by the name of... 


Hans Dolph Lundgren was born on November 3, 1957 to academic parents in Stockholm, Sweden. He pursued martial arts at the same time he pursued his own academic career, he came to the United States where he attended Washington State University and Clemson University. Dolph returned to Sweden for mandatory military service in the Swedish Marine Corps, after which he enrolled at the Royal Institute of Technology, garnering a degree in chemical engineering. He then got his masters degree in the same subject at the University of Sydney, in Australia. Muscles and brains. *sigh*

Dolph was offered the Fulbright Scholarship to attend MIT in Boston, but he was discovered at a Sydney night club, and he became her bodyguard. The two fell in love and he moved with her to New York City.

 I remember seeing this pic in Interview magazine in the early 80s.  I was so pissed. As usual the naked woman blocks the view of the naked man. I would have to wait a few years.

While in NYC, Dolph worked at the Limelight club as a bouncer and studied acting during the day. He would get his first break in the same year, in the James Bond film A View to a Kill and as the Soviet nemesis in Rocky IV.

It just has to kill him that Hollywood had no designs 
on making Thor while he was at his physical peak!

"I will break you"  (and if you're keeping score, that's the 
second time that line has been referenced at this site).

It's the dreaded Soviets with their killing machine....Brigitte Nielsen.

Glamor shots would follow...

Perhaps his first big role came in the dreadful film Masters of the Universe, which at least had the good sense to put him in a costume that covered little. 

Dolph would work steadily in a variety of films. 

It took me forever to tie him up, but I am sure you will agree that it was worth it! 

 "I told you that I am not interested in dating flamers!"

"Yes, I am aware of the irony that there is a cathedral behind me."

The fuckability quotient of this picture is off the charts!

"I, Zeus, command you to act, Jean Claude!"

Dolph had experienced a renaissance in his career lately. At the age of 55 he has is a part of the films The Expandables 1 & 2, which is to washed up action stars what Steel Magnolias was to chick flicks:  a rounding up of all the usual suspects.  In fairness, Jason Statham is still a hot commodity, and, as you know, was a Fab 40+ selection around the time of the London Olympics.

Here is Dolph playing the worst fortune tell in the world. 
"Ooh, you don't have a long lifeline. Do you know what that means?"
 NOT and advertisement for Panama Jack....but would be....if Panama Jack kicked ass!

If I looked out my window and saw these two in my courtyard, I would be scrambling to find my Binaca and Twister game.

"How was I to know?  She said she was a Hobbit!"

"So, soldier, you say you wore these clothes in a kingdom called Viet Nam?"

 "I can't take the call right now, I'm in the middle of something."

The worst game of "break the chain" ever!

Finally, with no woman in the way, Dolph got to show off his finest asset, and yes I mean that as not just a pun, but a really, really big pun. 

Look at that body and at that ass. Can anyone--ANYONE--tell me why he took so long getting naked, and why he hasn't spent a lot of time getting naked in other films?  I mean what does he think he is?
A chemical engineer?

The Video Clips:

And then there was this little...ahem...BIG treat for us after a trip to the beach. 

(Yes, Alex, I stole your line. What are you going to do about it?)

(As usual, a special thanks to the in-expandable, xyzpdq!)


  1. Brawn AND brains, huh? Who knew? Very nice choice Derek, and I vote for the Masters of the Universe body--woohoo!

  2. Thanks, reks! Who knew that he was so smart? Yet another Nordic blonde with brains and beauty like a certain you-know-who. ;)