What would we do for jokes about the royals without Prince Harry? He's like the Billy Carter of the Windsor-Mountabattens. And speaking of Danny Boyle AND the royals, it is said that he got the job of producing the Olympics because Slumdog Millionaire is one of Queen Elizabeth's favorite recent films. Not getting to the theatre much these days, eh, Lizzie? I would love to have been a fly on the wall as she watched during the necessary scene (for any Danny Boyle film) when the little boy jumps into the dungheap. It's easy to see why Boyle was picked for a £5,000,000 extravaganza after realizing that he had to hire someone to make realistic looking excrement. Cameron MacIntosh might have all that theatrical extravaganza experience, but rotating stages, departing helicopters and dropping chandeliers is sooooo 1990s!
Okay, I will admit that I have been derelict in my duties to bring more Olympic hotness to this blog. I could offer excuses but the truth is that I was in the hospital......visiting a friend......who worked there.....in the gift shop. I didn't say it was the best excuse, but if you leave out the last three details, it certainly is a good one, don't you think? Regardless, I am making up for it now with...
2012 OLYMPIC GYMNASTS
Gymnasts are my physical type. They are short to shortish, stacked with muscle and have asses that you could bounce a satellite off! In fact, if it weren't for Tim Daggett, North America wouldn't even have DirecTV.
Since the United Kingdom is our gracious host for the events, let's lead in with Team Britain, whose hot hunk is...
I have a sainted aunt whose name was Louise Smith, so I will bet she's up in heaven cheering Louis on....providing she isn't rooting for the Americans out of loyalty. Do you think that in heaven people still hold onto their national allegiances? Is Lincoln making bets with Shakespeare and Voltaire about who will take the gold? Oh, why am I asking this here. No one at this board is going to heaven!
But as heaven goes, this is pretty damn close....
Oh, he has angels tattooed on his back. Aunt Louise IS rooting for him. She's the angel on his shoulder, or at least on his scapula.
Naughty Louis is taking mirror pictures of himself...
As always, the French will not be outdone by Britain. Their rivalry goes back to....well, a long, long time. To Henry II by my count, since The Lion in Winter is my earliest reference to the two.
Let Eleanor of Acquitaine lay her eyes on...
France is number un!
Men have nipples too.
But just when England and France get a good row going, isn't it just like Germany to get in on the action? I know I speak for the rest of the world when I say that we other nations could never just sit back and enjoy a good fight between England and France without Germany spoiling it by uniting them in their disdain for Deutschland. But who could show any disdain for....
|You want me to do what? GIRL, please!|
Oh, look, he even swims....or at least steps into the water. That shows some versatility.
You know who really knows how to screw with the Germans? The Dutch! No matter what the Germans plan, there is always a Dutch Master around to foil them, and in this case the delicious Fabian lost his gold medal to the equally delicious...
Yes, I know that you are all thinking exactly what I am thinking....
Epke couldn't be happier than he is in this moment. Everything is just perfect.
Oh, and he won a gold medal, too!
Zonderland sounds like the name of a Dutch theme park: "Ride the canals of Amsterdam, coast the icy Zuider Zee, stick your finger in a dyke....er, dike!
So beautiful that I am not even going to make my Zonderland/Zoolander joke.
I will save those for Ryan Lochte.
Wanna know who always wants to get into the fight but no one ever lets them? Bulgaria. That could be because they have had the same gymnast represent them since the Helsinki Olympics in 1952...
You think I am kidding, but only partly so. Yordan represented Bulgaria in Barcelona 1992; Atlanta 1996; Sydney 2000; Athens 2004; Beijing 2008 and now London 2012. I think he's just doing it for the frequent flyer miles.
"Oh, nuthin', just hangin'. What about you?"
All kidding aside, I must admit that Yordan is quite the silver fox....though if he doesn't even qualify for Eyecons Fab 40+ page for another year!
Now to the rest of the unsuspecting world, I must tell you that we Americans feel completely under utilized if we aren't kicking communist butt. Not even Vladimir Putin misses the Soviet Union more than American Olympics fans. While Europe has its age old rivalries, Africa has tribal nation issues, and the nations of Asia are in a stiff competition to see who can be more stoic, we in the United States consider our rival to be the largest communist country in the world at the given moment.
After the Soviet Union collapsed, we Americans realized that the meanest kid in the class just got kicked out, and now suddenly, everyone might just notice that we've been the second meanest kid in the class. In fact, we're pretty sure every one caught on to that quickly....like the moment Gorbachev said, "Ah, fuck it! Start your own damn businesses!" Then all eyes turned to us, which meant that we had to think fast and create another villain, and we know just how unpopular the communist kids are with the others.
But who to vilify in a world so quickly turning to democracy and capitalism? Cuba? Nah, they don't even know they're communist. They think the economy just tanked and no one bothered to turn the TV back on. North Korea? While it's easy to hate their political leadership, how can you hate the people? Their athletes just came to London to see what electricity looked like. In a country where cannibalism is rumored to happen, do you really think any of the North Koreans have even bothered to leave the Olympic cafeteria yet? They are stuffing their bags with sandwiches and crumpets and showing up just in time to compete in whatever the hell it was they signed up for. Archery? Sure, just give me that thing. How does it work? Do I pull back on this---OOPS! Sorry, judge!
Nope, we Americans know that the villain we need the most right now is China. They're an easy target. They're outgrowing us in leaps and bounds; they have half the world's population; they've stolen all the fancy titles like "longest bridge" or "biggest dam;" and they wear more red than Nancy Reagan at 1985 state dinner, which is just throwing down the gauntlet right there!
Representing the world's largest nation and America's newest enemy, to whom the U.S. has outsourced all of its jobs to better facilitate the common citizen's hatred for them, is the ever cute....
I just kicked American ass. Suck on that Bob Costas!
Feng Zhee's secret to the parallel bars is practicing feng shui.
(Seriously? You thought I wouldn't go there?)
We can't dislike the Chinese because they are just so damned polite. We love nice people, and the Chinese are among the nicest. The Soviets used to scowl at us and attempt sucker punches and say things under their breath audible only to us like "I will break you!" The Chinese? Just a gentle bow and polite nod of the head. If we best them, they congratulate us. We have no idea what to do with that.
However, I know what I'd do with this...
|Louis Smith sans clothes|
Just like the original Olympics....nude and beautiful.
It's time that the games return to their best traditions, you know?
More to come...